Athough I love what I do, in the midst of helping so many others, I’ve lost a lot of the little time I have to create for myself, and in doing so I’ve lost a bit of freedom.
This is not a forever process, but it easily could be. As a consultant, people ask my advice and then usually after that, they ask me to help me implement that advice.
This is lovely. It’s amazing to get paid for the knowledge I’ve gained – that is so much of what we can strive for, for sure, when it comes to making a living. But an artistic thing also drives me and it is equally, sometimes even more gratifying to get paid for the output of personal, creative wild abandon – one tempered by experience and technique, sure, but one that also exists purely as expression, one without so much concern for commercial success.
What is it here that I’m trying to say?
I suppose that in many ways I’m expressing that this business, as with all processes, is in one of evolution as I learn how to balance it with the other things that bring abundance and joy to my life – parenthood, marriage, making stuff, going places, and calling more real medicine back into my life more regularly – yoga, nature, ceremony, plants, music, dance, and authentic and deep communication with my family, my friends, and my community.
I’m learning, as I move through this process of personal and business evolution, that my sole purpose for doing this, for doing anything, is to aim for the heart and to keep learning to move from that place.
The world done gone crazy, y’all, and I’m not sure i have any other tools to change it than operating in this way. Natural disasters and direct human tragedy have rocked the entire western hemisphere, reaching almost to my front door. There are days when I want to apologize to my daughter but she’s only six. She’d ask me why I was saying sorry and I wouldn’t know where to begin.
I’m still learning my limits and setting my boundaries, as well as my little personal rules for when I can cross them – but in the meantime, I overcommitted a lot and charged too little, and so for the time being, while I can do little more than get it all done and keep my eye on the light, I’m working through it by consulting with an amazing business and life coach, and with yoga. The introspective process I am experiencing through focused, intense stretching is finally tying it all together for me (and for those curious, I gotta say, I’m fairly addicted to the Down Dog yoga app).
As I always suspected, the more obsessed with yoga someone is, the crazier they are when they aren’t practicing. Really devout yogis are nuts.
Laugh, but bear with me while I explain myself here: I follow a few human pretzels on my personal Instagram account – ladies who live in paradise, women who look amazing in booty shorts and pull off dancer pose on yoga wheels, and I marvel at their balance skills while I’m still trying to gracefully nail down side plank. My own yoga practice is nothing like this. Dancer post is not graceful nor sustained for me even with my feet on the ground – not yet, anyway, and though I see myself growing more graceful by the day, my head is still getting wrapped up in the deep stretch and release of things, with becoming reacquainted with regions of my body I’d forgotten about, with discovering truly how much buried shit gets stored in tight muscles, hip sockets and such. The deeper I go, the more I uncover. These deep stretches, this focus, this letting go, it has a profound effect on multiple levels as my awareness grows, as my self-knowledge grows, and as my ability to release and self-heal grows, and as my confidence grows (I’m going to need it once I tell my clients my rates are going up!). The more I do it, the more of my crazy I excavate and release, and the more I’m able to stay sane in this 3d world.
Plus, it’s one more excuse to stay in my yoga pants. That was the other reason I started this business.